Cosmic Trip: Musical genius, in the wrong country

The common misconception in the Czech Republic is that techno should be hard and fast. That’s wrong; techno should be full of soul, and easy to move to. I get that from Detroit techno, I don’t get it from schranz. Sure, a little schranz mixed into a set gives variety, but two hours of it???

I don’t care about drum 'n' bass or jungle anymore, so I’m not going to write about it. All I remember from that stage was the sound was appalling, but that could be said about the main stage also.

Friday

Elektrabel never fails to disappoint, and he certainly didn’t this time either. A selection of new work made me realise how long it had been since I last heard him, and I will make amends to make sure that doesn’t happen again. His hard minimal sound got me moving at a fairly early time, and made sure the main stage filled. By the time Josef Sedlon came on, Elektrabel had warmed up the crowd to a lovely temperature.

Josef Sedlon is a all round nice guy, who is, along with the headliners of the festival, an innovator…or should I say was? Josef took innovation a little too far in my opinion, and brought a bongo drummer with him. His selection of ‘four by four’ tracks was mainly not my cup of tea, and I felt myself crying out for him to play breaks. And after a while, I began to get really pissed off with those damn bongos! Josef, please, you’ve made a name for yourself by owning the best production agency in the history of the Czech Republic; stop trying to do more!

Neil Landstrumm stepped up, and I remember saying “now watch everyone leave” to my friends. Neil is indeed an acquired taste, but there is no doubting the guy is a genius. Brilliant techno, mixed in with old school riffs and sounds, creating the perfect insane mix of everything hard, soft and bizarre. I found myself wishing for another hour, but the complaints of the people around me about it being “undanceable” began to get on my nerves. Strange that I, and many other people, had no problem at all dancing to it. Maybe if people stopped taking speed then they would begin to realise that their musical taste hovers somewhere around abysmal.

And it got worse…

Up to the decks steps Kevin Saunderson. Musical legend, innovator, etc. He opened with amazing Detroit techno, and I found myself holding my mobile phone up so my friend in Spain could hear. Then Kevin saw the same thing I did…people were walking away. In that moment, he did something my friends and I groaned about; he played hard. One thing Kevin does badly is DJ hard techno. It was time to go to sleep.

Saturday

I’d love to have a switch on my head that could block out bad music. If I did, then the aural terror which punished my ears, dished out by none other than Orbith, would never have happened. I’m sure plenty of you are reading this in shock thinking "what the hell is this guy on? Orbith is god!" Well you’re wrong, he’s not god, he’s a musical nightmare. A mixture of poorly mixed boring loopy techno, with cheesy, outdated electroclash is not my idea of pleasure.

Orbith was followed by Nika77, who always has a great selection of tracks. And whilst I really enjoyed her set, I feel it would’ve been better suited later in the night, rather than before Carl Craig.

The news that Juan Atkins hadn’t arrived came as no surprise to me. Heck, we were placing bets whether he would arrive or not, and I won. Juan is not exactly the most reliable DJ in the world, and unfortunately, this bad name extends across numerous Detroit legends, unfortunately. I’d say that Ales Burger was lucky that most of his line-up turned up at all.

Carl Craig is an excellent producer, and knows he can be a good DJ at times. This was one of those times. My mind, body and soul was carried away on two hours of pure Detroit Techno, and loved it. A selection of his early and later works, interspersed with Detroit classics such as The Bells, Jaguar, Strings of Life, French Kiss, etc.

But where was everyone?

I could see people who were off their nut on speed trying to dance and they just couldn’t. NEWSFLASH FOR YOU: Detroit techno is NOT hard. It’s melodic, and full of rhythm. Do some research before you go to a party you dicks! Even worse were the wankers at the front who gave Carl the finger, but Carl’s response was a good one; he took out the cash he was paid, and waved it in front of them… Yes, a simple reply, “I don’t give a shit what you say, I got paid!” And quite right too Carl!

As a DJ I always say, "do not play for the crowd, play for yourself, and your crowd will find you." A DJ who plays for the crowd is a wimp, pure and simple. He fears his own musical tastes and sells out.

The next DJ up brought back memories of his appearance back in Slovakia where he almost blew up the mixer by red-lining it the whole time. Dave Fish was a man that did not deserve to be on that line-up. With the mass of talent on the Czech DJ circuit right now, Ales Burger would’ve done better to find someone with talent.

Overall, the gig was as to be expected for me. A week ago I was in Berlin, surrounded by clubs which were packed with DJs and producers which wouldn’t even draw 10 people in this country. I think it’s time you realised that schranz is dead. Hard music is dead. Real music is back.

A few people asked me if I’m going to Summer of Love. "It’s Kraftwerk!" They say! To which I reply, "do you know who Kraftwerk even are?" "Jo! To bude mazec! Konecne nejaky poradne tvrdy nemecky techno!" They haven’t got a clue. Summer of Love is going to be filled with a lot of disappointed people, who won’t know how to dance to music which doesn’t have a 155bpm four by four beat.

I won’t be going to Summer of Love, but I wish Ales Bleha all the very best. My advice to him would be one; make sure you get the sound perfect for Kraftwerk, otherwise, it just won’t be the same.